1/1/09: weight 96.7 kg (ouch)
1/2/09: weight 91.5 (yay)
total lost for the month 5.2 kg (11 1/2 lbs)
total to go…hmmm between 6-10 kg to be decided!

1) Don’t eat your feelings..Feel them.
2) Drink more water!
3) consistant exercise means consistant weight loss ( yes I am special)
4) track everything – HONESTLY!
5) don’t be defeated by the small things
6) continue avoiding the refined sugary stuff
7) talk about the things that are bothering you, instead of bottling things up.

Here’s to another month of hard work.

Today I’m starving, literally my tummy is doing some monster growls. I dont think I ate enough carbs yesterday, my over-exuberant stirfry making last night meant I forgot to check if there were any noodles in the house, alas, there was 1 serve left, so guess who got it? Yeah not me.I decided that chickpeas would make a good substitute for noodles !?! hmmm it was interesting. Is it just me that does weird food substitutes?

My weight is still going up down, up down, etc but thats ok, I’m honestly tracking all my meals and snacks ,and the weekly average is going down. The last few weeks have looked like this.

2009-01-05 95.50
2009-01-12 96.50
2009-01-19 93.20
2009-01-26 93.50

I think my body likes to regulate the loss with a little gain every now and then, but down we go. Next updated weigh in will be on Monday 2nd but today I’m sitting at 92.1.

Also I have just found the copies of my medical records from home – I had to get them copied for my residency application, and the doctor recommends I hit 81 kg as a healthy weight. Seems quite low to me seeing as I am 6ft 2 ( 188 cm) I suppose the only thing for it is to see how I feel in a few more Kgs. Im concerned with my appearance more than the weight I’m at, the number is fairly arbitrary.

I had some full length photos taken at last weekend’s Auckland Anniversay, maybe I’ll post one on here so you can all see my wobbly bits in full technicolour. I have no Idea what my hair is doing either – not good look. But at least when Im wearing the wedding outfit we can see a difference!

Which reminds me, Im off to do some upper body weights to sort out my bloody arms!
xx

ahhh

I have decided to have a rant, I think its cathartic to do this, get it all off my chest.  Family?friends? see if you can spot your ‘ advice’..

I especially love the one about “Well you need to lose weight for your health!” This really means, you look terrible, get some fat off you.  Hey! I’m healthy, I have no illnesses, clear skin, and I don’t smoke, my blood pressure is normal, Im just a bit chub.

I remeber when I first started to lose weight, I got comments like “we were all so worried about you being so overweight” O great, so you’ve been talking about me then, and my big fat arse. thanks Close Family Member – shame you never said anything about that to me.

Another corker was, “You’re a lot bigger than you think you are , you know..” WTF? I think I’m enormous mate so what am I? Double XXXXL Hyuuuge?

The one that hurts most came from Very Close Family Member ” Well it must be awful for you to be bigger than your boyfriend, it probably makes you feel less feminine” greeeaaat. She also had the gall to say,   ” You cover up being  miserable about your weight so well, you always seem so happy. I would be bothered all the time if I were you”.  I have nothing to add.

Please feel free to vent, I want to hear the worst ones, so we can all throw those negative feelings away.

I’m hot, and I know you are too xx

Before, I would be relying on willpower to resist eating when I didn’t need to, invariably my willpower gave out quicker than the craving, and I’d stuff myself.  Now I’m trying to break the habit, like I did with the non-smoking thing, and distracting myself with a book, or the ironing or painting my nails. All those clichés in women’s  magazines really do work – who’d have thought it?! I can’t believe how much like giving up the fags this losing weight is, and I’m so stupid never to have seen it before. Of course nothing is ever going to change long term if I don’t break the bad habits. There’s no point sitting in front of the tv itching for the ice-cream and being miserable. If I go and fold a few towels or empty the dishwasher, the feeling goes.

Other successful weight losers always say ‘Feel the feeling, don’t eat the feeling’ and I’m starting to get that this week. I seem to have been moodier than normal for the last few weeks, and its ‘cos I’m not hiding behind a bag of chocolate buttons. I’m facing them all head on. Learning to deal with things in an adult way, finally?

I haven’t been denying myself anything, but just having small ( ie normal!) portions, and counting the calories. I’ve even been honest in my food journal for once, instead of ‘forgetting’ to add sneaky chocolate bars and crisps in, and then being all confused when the scales go up.

It’s a nice feeling.

Lainey asked about the weighing in thing – I hated doing a weekly weigh in, I ended up putting loads of pressure on myself the day before and wouldn’t eat/drink anything, so it was never a true representation of what was going on, I was half starved and dehydrated! On the other hand if I ever got a weight that didn’t really show how much effort Id put in that week, I’d go off the rails and think ‘Why bother?’ I weigh myself everyday, and can always see why I have fluctuated (lentils for dinner ALWAYS add on a couple of pounds!)  I do an average of the 7 weighs a week, and call it that for the week. Maybe it’s crazy, but that’s just what works for me. I do sound a bit mental don’t I?! Honest I’m normal, food and weight make me crayzee.

ps the sweeties have gone!

 It doesn’t help when there is a giant lolly jar on my desk at work for clients to munch on – part of me keeps thinking I should move it to the other side of the office, but then the other part of me thinks, if it’s over there – the clients won’t see it, and why should they suffer cos I can’t keep my greedy fingers out?  Maybe I would be doing their health a favour as well…

Anyway I have seen a massive high of 95.9kg and a low of 93.7kg in the last two weeks. The overall weekly trend is, however, in a downward direction so I can’t get too hung up on the numbers everyday.  I think it was high today ‘cos I ate pasta late last night, instead of the lighter meals I usually have. Plus I haven’t erm..been to the loo for a day or so. Im sure it all adds up!

I have been trying a few new strategies too – my doctor recommended lowering the carbs I eat – nothing drastic like Atkins, but eating carbs at two meals per day, not all three.  I know that fruit and veg contain carbs too, but I’m talking about rice, grains and breads etc.  I’ll have to see how it goes.

Emotionally, Im feeling a bit blah today, so I wont be making any startling revelations about anything! I just need to really get these cravings under control, and make it an ingrained thing not to turn to food for comfort/relief.

Food today: Small bowl of bircher muesli with grated apple and banana ( yum!!) Lunch is salad with chicken breast, cup of chicken broth and a peach,  3pm snack : kiwifruit and blueberries, and dinner will be morrocan salmon with steamed veg and a bit of couscous.

I ate almost all of the xmas chocolates brought to work by a client, then was so embarrassed I went out and bought 2  boxes to top them up. When I got busted with the empty box in my bin and had to confess why I’d bought more, I was so mortified I realised that something has got to change. Little did they realise I had topped up with one box, and eaten all of the other myself, again.

 I read a post about being a compulsive eater recently, and it struck such a chord with me, it was more like someone had crashed cymbals on my head.  I have a food addiction. There I said it.  I discussed it at length with the boy the day after, after I weighed myself, and saw a scary 97kg. I think I have a problem with sugar and all its refined goodies. I can’t stop at one, or two or three. I eat every last one, then half an hour later go sniffing round for something else when the inevitable blood sugar crash happens.

I’ve also noticed a pattern, where my most successful weeks are when I avoid sugar, cake, biscuits and chocolate. Suddenly I lose the taste for it, and the nasty cravings for something sweet seem to disappear.  I’m scared about the implication with diabetes, and would never forgive myself if I developed type II because of my sweet teeth.

Since Friday last week, I have avoided eating as much sugar as possible. I have even stopped taking it in my tea and coffee, and mercifully the cravings have lessened dramatically. I’m not out of the woods yet, I’ve found myself saying ” I’m doing great!” over and over.  Today my weight was 94.6, which stings, seeing as I was at 89 not that long ago.

I keep asking myself over and over this week, would I rather go to the gym and exercise for an hour, or zoom back up to 135 kg and carry that extra weight 24 hours a day.  It’s not a case of willpower anymore, I need to do this for my future, and my health. So far, I have been to the gym every day since Saturday, sometimes for cardio, some for resistance training. I need to put in some effort. Its consistent effort that leads to weight loss. And yeah it’s bloody hard.

When I get anywhere near my goals I wimp out, almost as if I’m scared of the success – does that sound stupid? I know I pin a lot of my problems on being fat, and spend ages poring over how much I hate my belly or my wobbly thighs, and then eat some crap I could do without. I think I’m starting to realise that all my problems won’t disappear when I stop being fat and hating what I see, and that I need to stop hating myself first.

When I gave up smoking I had the worst cravings you can imagine, and I just ignored them, and carried on with life, driving to work, going to the pub and washing the pots.  I knew they’d stop if I did this, and that 10 minutes later I’d be craving free, wondering what all the fuss was about. So I tried one of my stop smoking techniques with a food craving this week – I went to the bedroom and made the bed, then tidied the bathroom, and folded some towels. Voila, the craving had gone. 

A New Year looms on the horizon, and I feel like I’m in the right place for a good crack at changing a few things, including being honest with myself.

Just a quickie…Well, I’m maintaining, which is a small blessing I suppose, currently at 94kg, which I can handle!! Shame it was at 89 not that long ago, but I need to focus on the positive really.

I have been to the gym 8 times in the past two weeks, which is pretty cool, it helps balance out the copious wine drinking!

Happy holidays and I hope you all have a  good new year – I’m off for a cardio date, seeing as I will be eating christmas pudding tonight. Yikes!  Keep on trucking, I’ll see you on the flip side!

xx

I have been walking further by getting of the bus a couple of stops early, and doing all those little habits they recommend in weightloss mags – you know use the upstairs bathroom, and walk to see a colleague instead of emailing etc etc.  So farry so goody. 

My head space has been less than good of late, mostly because we are in a foreign country, and have no proper friends, and I’m getting homesick all the time. Its hard to not turn to food at the first sign of trouble, I eat when I’m bored and sad, which has been most days lately.

The boy and I have had some issues too, nothing that a few girls nights out wouldnt fix! I think we take each other for granted and it isn’t healthy for him to be the only person in your life.  So any tips on making friends ? I am considering joining a club/ team, tis probably the way to go…

I’m still scared to weigh myself, as I have a new muffin top this week, so I will leave it til next monday, I could handle seeing 94kg but not 98! Im hanging in there! Let you know the outcome then. Hope youse have a good weekend!

Oh – and Happy Thanksgiving to the Americans – last year I tried snickerdoodles and pumpkin pie for the first time… mmmm pie!!

Today I have been ok-ish again, some chocolate may have found its way into my mouth earlier this morning, but I’m off to the gym for a cardio blast this afternoon, so I think it will all balance out.  I’m not feeling that urge to eat like mad, like I normally would after a not-too- excellent weekend, which is one thing to be grateful for.

I’m planning to go to the gym a few times this week, and on Tuesday night Im going to a body jam class with a friend – basically mad cardio dancing for an hour which I’m looking forward to, its so nice to break the monotony of normal cardio training ( treadmill/cross trainer)

I’m feeling a bit flat today due to some issues with the boy, nothing too serious but I need to think about stuff and my brain hurts! Hope you are all ok after the weekend.

ciao xx

p.s where has the summer gone in New Zealand?! Im not enjoying the rain, and nor are my new gladiator sandals!!